Mar. 31st, 2014

magentagirl: (Max as Elton John)
In Another Castle

I haven't got the time to figure out what happened. It's too late for that now. I have to do what I can to make her comfortable. I'm not sure she even feels anything right now. She's alive but unresponsive.
I don't know what she did but now we're stuck. I'll have to call an ambulance even though she hates those things. Hates hospitals, too, but I have no choice. Well, I suppose that's not really true. There's always a choice. But I don't think she's ready to leave just yet, so I have to try to get her back. I know she's still in there but she's been getting further and further away.
She's talked to me about how she feels when she gets like this. She's said she feels the urge to be in another castle. Somewhere safer than where we are now. It's not like things are that bad here but apparently to her they are. I don't understand her very well, but I guess it kind of makes sense.
I know she has trouble with things. It's hard to be poor when you've come from money. She definitely sacrificed some basic comforts when we got married. And now that we've got kids it's been even more of a challenge. I know she's not really happy trying to keep them entertained. And I'm not much help when I get home from work.
I could tell she was starting to go when I'd get home and things would be a mess. The baby would be crying and hungry. And sometimes I'd get calls from the school saying no one had come to get Charlie yet, and was everything all right? I'd try to smooth things over with them but I could tell they didn't really believe me. Nothing I would say would get through to her. It didn't do any good to get angry, and I could see she wasn't okay but I'm doing all that I can to keep us afloat and keep the kids sort of okay, and how could I keep her okay too? I didn't think I'd have to worry about that.
I'm going to have to call my sister to see if she can come stay with the kids for a little bit. They love their aunt.
It must be hard on them. At least I'm the one who found her. At least she did it during the night and not while she was at home alone with the baby. At least it was on a Saturday so I don't have to worry about taking off work, not today, anyway.
Our next door neighbor is watching the kids while I ride with her to the hospital, and my sister should get there soon. I hope I'm doing the right thing by trying to save her. I think I am, but I won't know unless she comes back. I guess I have to trust that this is what she wants. She makes it so hard to figure out.


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